Monday, July 28, 2014

Meltdown

We were in Benicia, coming back from Reno, when it happened. There was a hummus plate and a HUGE stack of something fried, dippables. I said to Adam: "I'm having one. I don't care."

He said: "Your body will care."

He was right. Shit-shit-shit.

I was so pissed. What the hell had I done to myself? I mutilated myself, and for what? Then I got home and realized I'd lost weight. In Reno, of all places. It's a start.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

The Seventh Tradition

Basically, the Seventh Tradition of OA is giving money to them. I shouldn't knock this. I mean, an organization's gotta support itself, right? And they are very proud of being self-supporting, so I contribute every time.

It just seemed like a lot to base an entire meeting on, you know? I felt as though we were being guilted, but in twelve-step language. I just started to write: "That said ..." and shift into a more positive gear, but why? I don't have to excuse criticisms. I have them, and it's okay to have them. It doesn't mean the program isn't helping me. I'm coming up on 25 pounds down. But I find there's a lot of repetition and stiff language, and I'm not sure why that's there.

My shares, as they call them, are pretty weak. I never know what to say. I usually wind up stammering through my story and then just saying "Thank you." I have yet to hit the time limit. But I will continue to go to these meetings until such time as I don't think they're helping me, and then I may continue to go regardless.

Because I can't do this on my own. I'm too practiced a compulsive eater to stop without some sort of traction from an outside body. And if you want to consider that the OA Higher Power, then so be it.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

A trickier path

I'm moving into soft foods, which means a lot more choices and a lot more ways to screw up. Right now I have a cup of split pea soup in front of me ... with little toasts that I'm dying to eat. I won't, though. But here's where I have to really take responsibility and stick with the straight and narrow. I went to the surgeon today for my check-up and things are looking great. It really needs to stay that way.

23 pounds down

I'm hitting that third-week stall that people have been talking about, but still I have continued to lose weight, albeit at a much slower pace. Today I have my one-month checkup with my surgeon. It'll be a month on the 25th. I'm so much happier to be on the other side of things -- and tomorrow I get to start soft foods! Food I can actually chew -- well, unless you've been there, it's hard to know that happiness.

I guess I could be mad about this condition I have, this Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia. I mean, it's essentially the reason I've undergone all these procedures, the laser hair removal, the weight-loss surgeries. Yes, when it comes to the latter, I've often overeaten, but there is something to having this adrenal condition and being on a steroid that makes it truly difficult to maintain a healthy weight. Now 85 percent of my stomach is gone and I'm stoked about eating soft foods tomorrow. Perspective, huh?

Friday, July 18, 2014

The first step

Once we have become teachable, we can give up old thought and behavior patterns which have failed us in the past, beginning with our attempts to control our eating and our weight. Honest appraisal of our experience has convinced us that we can't handle life through self-will alone. First we grasp this knowledge intellectually, and then finally we come to believe it in our hearts. When this happens, we have taken the first step and are ready to move ahead in our program of recovery.

- The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous


I think they're right in the sense that admission begins in the brain and moves eventually to the heart. I've always known I had a problem with food, but I didn't know it where it counted. These three weeks since the surgery are working to change that. Stripped of my usual defenses, I am carb- and caffeine-less. I have way more energy, though I do tend to crash because I'm still recovering from the surgery.

I seem to be reaching for a grand conclusion here and there is none. There is only continuing.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Tired today

Three weeks out and my energy is still not 100 percent dependable. I mean, what did I do this morning/afternoon? Had coffee with a friend and got my hair done. Not exactly taxing, right? Then why was I so tired when I got home?

I'm hitting that third-week stall and it's to be expected. Slightly frustrating, but expected. There are times when this thing is really hard. I was hanging out with friends last night and everyone was getting drunk and munching on croutons and salami. (It looked better than it sounds -- they were big old garlic croutons.) Then again, I didn't hate myself afterwards because all I had was water.

This is what I look like now:
 I can see how my eyes look bigger and my chin looks smaller. It's happening.